


He was their friend. And he betrayed them.

by HelloBerrie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Betrayal, Death, F/M, Internal Monologue, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, POV James Potter, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 23:45:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloBerrie/pseuds/HelloBerrie
Summary: This is James internal monologue about Peter's betrayal.





	He was their friend. And he betrayed them.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. Somewhat recently I wrote a piece called "My Brother", which was also an internal monologue/description of the moments (it's kinda my style, I do that in every piece I write tbh). In that piece I admire Ron's loyalty, Ron's love for Harry.  
> It struck that Ron could have gone in some ways through Peter's path but he remained true to Harry. In this one I write about James's confusion and pain to Peter's betrayal. It's also some form of reflection to my own confusion to his betrayal, since I can't fathom why would someone betray their best friend and their family.

We didn’t understand it. Even dead we can’t understand it. The four of us had always been a unit. We had always been there for each other no matter the circumstance, no matter the mistakes we made. There had never been an unforgiven mistake in our group. We were brothers above everything else. We had been brothers for the last ten years. Ten years. So we didn’t understand it. Our bond was supposed to be stronger than anything else, even life itself. For us it had always been. So what had happened?  
We made the biggest sacrifices for each other. We took great risks for each other. Granted, we didn’t always think exactly of the consequences but our intentions had always been good. They had always been with the other’s best interest at heart. We had always thought the best of each other. We were brothers. When we protected Peter from bullies, when we taught him to defend himself. When he stood up to Sirius’ mother in the Station, when we turned into animals to help Remus. When we joined forces to help me win Evans over. That last one wasn’t very successful.  
So we didn’t understand it. Even that night, when it was happening, we couldn’t understand how Peter betrayed us.  
Lily and I were in the living room when we felt the wards crumbling. Lily had just finished putting Harry in the cot, exhausted with the little Halloween party we threw for ourselves. It was a day for celebration and we wouldn’t let the state of things dampen our mood. We spent the day making Halloween decorations. There weren’t any pumpkins. Being confined to the house, we couldn’t go outside to the market to buy some, but Lily, being the best at Transfiguration, managed to transform some practice Quaffles into already carved pumpkins. We used Christmas decorations and changes their colours into black, orange and purple. Just to give it a more Halloween-y look. While Lily made the decorations with Harry, it had fallen onto me the task of cooking so I had slaved the whole day away in the kitchen making bicuits and cakes. I was best at cooking and baking anyway. That was one of the first things I had learned when I started living with Lily. Never let her near an oven. She could be worse than a troll with a hammer in a room full of delicate porcelain china.  
After we finished dinner, Lily went upstairs with our son to put him to sleep. He hadn’t taken his nap during the afternoon so he was exhausted and grumpy. In a matter of minutes he was sleeping and Lily joined me for a small chat and a glass of butterbeer that Sirius managed to bring the last time he showed up. Since Voldemort had put a bounty on our heads, we had been almost completely isolated. Only a few of the inner members of the Order knew where we were and visits had seemed scarcer each month. Sometimes we had months in a row without any of the Marauders coming to visit. It was sad but we knew they had work to do. It wasn’t until late August that Dumbledore had come with the news that we would have to tighten our security and this time, only one person could know of our whereabouts, except for Dumbledore. The Secret Keeper.  
Our first choice had been Sirius. It had been the obvious choice, being my adoptive brother, Harry’s godfather and my oldest friend. The man I trusted with mine, Lily’s and Harry’s lives. Sirius had been the perfect man for the job. He was one of the most loyal men I knew and despite what everyone else’s opinion of him, he wasn’t as reckless as he appeared to be. I knew him. We knew him. And he had been our choice. Undoubtedly. But Sirius had come up with a plan. Looking back I wish he hadn’t. I bet he wished he hadn’t also.  
In the meeting that was called to prepare our escape, Sirius came up with the plan of fooling Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Every one of our inner circle was present so things could be mobilised faster and more securely. Sirius’ plan had seemed to us perfect at the time. Instead of Sirius being our Secret Keeper, the task would fall onto Peter, who, though being a Marauder, passed the idea of being the most distant of the four. I never understood why people thought that. None of us discarded Peter, though Sirius could perhaps be a little too judgmental of him. But we were brothers, we were best friends. And we trusted each other with our lives. Hell, we would have given our lives for each other.  
I won’t deny that Sirius and I had been the closest. He was my first friend at Hogwarts, he was my first prank partner. He became my real brother when my father adopted him when he left Grimmauld Place, so it was natural, obvious even, that he would be the chosen one to be our Secret Keeper. But the last thing we had wanted was to be obvious. So we chose Peter. Looking back I can notice his reluctance at accepting. Looking back I can notice the fear in his eyes. Looking back I can see the stranger that Peter had become since we left Hogwarts. Since the war had started.  
Was I really that blind? Was he really that insecure? That doubtful of our victory? That fearful of death? I didn’t notice at the time and I can only attribute the blame of the consequence of my blindness to myself. If I had seen it. If I had noticed how scared he was. How silent and distant he was. I would have been able to do something. But I didn’t. And now Lily is dead. I’m dead. And Harry is alone.  
I think what hurt me the most was knowing that he did it willingly. He knew what he did, he knew the consequences and he did it anyway. My own brother. Peter gave us in to Voldemort knowing we would die. Knowing that his nephew would die. And I can’t accept it. I can’t understand it. It would have been one thing to be afraid and choose not to get involved. I would have respected it, even if I hadn’t agreed. But to betray us. To be afraid and betray family and friends. I can’t. I can’t and I won’t understand it.  
Peter…He should have come to me. I was his brother and he… if he was trouble he should have come to me. But he betrayed us. He didn’t come to us. Instead he chose Voldemort. He chose to turn his back on us. And he was willing to let my son die. A baby. He was supposed to be my brother.  
Lily was in the middle of a laugh when we felt the exact moment Voldemort stepped into the wards. As soon as we felt it, I ran to the window to see his cloaked figure. I felt the icy horror seep into my veins as I looked at him, walking slowly to us. The bastard. Even in his victory he had to be smug about it.  
In the midst of the desperation I felt, the realization of what his presence there meant came to me. Peter. And I felt my heart break. A Secret Keeper can only give the information willingly. Peter hadn’t been tortured into giving our location away. He hadn’t been Imperiused. He just…He gave us in to Voldemort. I couldn’t believe it. That Peter would be capable of such a thing. I refused to believe it, there had to be another explanation. Not Peter. Peter wouldn’t.  
Lily and I climbed up the stairs to our son. I shouted at her to get Harry and run away. The last I saw of her was her wide frightened eyes and her back while she ran to Harry’s room. Even then I knew I wouldn’t see her alive again. Before I turned to face the bastard I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds. I was so terrified. My head was in a swirl of emotions that I had a hard time to keep in check. But I wouldn’t let him see my fear. That would have been giving him another victory when he had had already too many. He was about to take everything from me and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of letting him see how much that affected me. I turned to him. “How did you find us?” I asked. “A mutual friend.” And then I saw green.  
I can’t understand Peter. Maybe I never will. It was never in my nature to be cowardly and deceitful. I valued honesty over everything else and Peter was everything but. Perhaps he didn’t love us. Perhaps his fear eclipsed his love for us. Perhaps he was a Death Eater and had been the whole time. But he was my brother. I had welcomed him into my house. I had shared with him myself, my family, friends. Everything. And he chose to betray that. Not only betray me, he betrayed Lily. Through Voldemort he tried to kill Harry. He tried to kill my son. And that I can never forgive.  
But I don’t wish to confront him. Even dead I can’t bear the thought of knowing the reason for his betrayal. No idea to me seems reasonable enough and to think that there were reasons that Peter thought were enough to switch sides and turn us in to Voldemort is too painful.  
I am dead now. My part in all of this is over. Now the only thing I can do is watch over my son, with my wife beside me and hope for the best. And maybe one day Peter will pay for what he did. And I believe he will.


End file.
